Summer, summer, summer. It turns me upside-down.
It’s seriously like the biggest collection of ugliest people they could find.
In the words of the dude from The Cars, summer does in fact feel like a merry-go-round. Not a good one. The kind where you get the shitty bench seat because all of the horses are taken, and then your friend up-chucks fried-doh all over your lap. Less magic than he’d lead us to believe.
I used to stand on our pool table wearing some trashy outfit pulled from the almighty “dress-up box” (where we all shopped for Halloween outfits, by the way) and play “Magic” on the Jukebox and dance my nine-year-old ass off.
Not too much has changed. My ass looks just as young. I still dance it like ya read about. But now the summers are not my favorite. I count down the hours until my kid-free time resumes. Yeah, I know I spawned them–but still, they need to get edumacated, and obviously, I’m not the woman for the job.
I did substitute-teach straight out of college, but one of my seventh graders was like, “Hey, you go to my dad’s bar!” and there was no control after that. Ugly, I tell ya. Teaching. Seventh graders. Kids in general. No sir. I’ll place a Foley and wipe an adult-sized ass any day.
So, anyway, I had a banner day. We just adopted a new cat and took him to the vet for an FIV that the previous owner forgot to do, and turns out he’s got a bunch of rotten teeth that need to be pulled. He’s a four-figure cat in three days.
I told the adoption chick I can’t sit down because my ass hurts so bad.
But he’s a cute little guy–so sweet and good with my kids, even the jerk-face kid. We’ll keep him, but I’m going to need another glass of wine before this shitty day is through. Okay, another martini. You got me.
Incidentally, the worst part of the vet visit was having three idiots acting like, well, fucking idiots in the vet’s office while I was getting it up the ass without any lube. You’d think they could shut up for a second while mommy takes it.
Nope. Not a flippin’ chance.