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Slippery When Wet or Too #Sexy for my Blog or The Art of Writing Male/Male Anal

Did you sing that horrible song when you read the title?  A small, malicious part of me hopes so. >:-) Oh! I didn’t mean anything Bon Jovi, although this is a musical entry, I must say. Anyway, allow me to serenade you while we go at it, here.

The Slippery When Wet Blog Hop begins today, and I am ill-prepared. Or maybe too prepared. Anyway, I have a blog post I penned a while back, which seemed too risqué to send to other places as a guest blog, but is just right tonight after realizing I have two hours to get this sweetheart posted. Enter: The Art of Writing Male/Male Anal.

The Art of Writing M/M Anal

This won’t be comprehensive, but how about the basics for virgin author’s everywhere who want to delve into the great “Do Not Enter?” Sometimes it’s not just an exit, ladies and gentleman, but there are a couple of things we’re going to need in order to get this bird off the ground. So wave your magic pen and produce these magical items:

1.         Condom.  This baby gets top billing for most smut peddlers the world over. Publishing houses, generally speaking, are pretty firm on the “No Creampie” rule. That’s not to say you can’t sneak them in once in a while, especially in short stories which are more likely to fall into the erotica without romance or stupid people having risky sex categories (read: one seat closer to the almighty porn throne).  I wrote a short for Shane Allison’s Bad Boy anthology with Cleis Press (which should be out soon, actually) and had a bank robber getting it on with a hostage right after the hold up. Needless to say, there were no condoms available at the hideout in the woods. Obviously plot factors into your safe sex decision.

Also, if your MCs are in a serious, committed relationship, and you’ve laid that on the line—maybe even with a side note on VD testing (archaic term that is so Pretty in Pink it makes me smile–no, wait, I think that was Sixteen Candles)—you can go ahead and get really nasty. But—general rule of thumb—have a rubber in someone’s pocket/drawer/under the seat of their car/in the little booze container around their faithful St. Barnard’s neck.  Whatever. Non-human exceptions exist as well.  Aliens don’t carry AIDS and all you need is a rabies shot to get it on with a wolf shifter.

2.         Lube. This runs alongside the condom. For one, rubbers—even if they say lubricated—are going to make things, shall we say, rougher, than skin on skin. Also, chicks have the built-in lube. That’s right, we can make our own, so in vaginal sex no one gets bent out of shape if a bottle of K-Y isn’t sitting on your fictional dresser. But M/M? The human ass needs a helping hand (full of spit or jelly).  Spit isn’t the best, but it’s always available unless they are trapped in the Sahara, in which case, I doubt they’re feeling too amorous.

3.         A little foreplay. Even if you’ve got the rubber on your big burly top, he’s squirted an entire bottle of love-lotion on his long-stocking, and his pretty boyfriend is face-down-ass-up, it isn’t nice to just stick it in without a little preamble.  Rimming works, but if your guys aren’t so inclined, a gradual finger work-up is really the kinder, gentler thing to do than insta-penetration.

4.         Mention of the prostate.  No, it isn’t a prostrate like your mother-in-law calls it.  That means lying down with your face smashed into a pillow, which may well be the case with your sexy little bottom who happens to be getting his prostate hammered by his bear.  Not necessarily something you MUST mention, but seems to be a huge factor in the pleasure experience for the guy getting fucked.  I don’t know.  I don’t have one myself, and frankly I feel robbed. I’m going to go write my congressman right now.

5.         The grand finale!  I don’t need to tell you how to do this, really. The world is your orgasm oyster.  Have a fire hose showdown if you like.  One thing to remember is that if the guy on bottom gets off first, I hear tell having a big dick in his ass for an extended time after can be uncomfortable.  Again, I can’t verify this personally and I can’t ask my husband.  I also can’t take part in a fire hose showdown.  Robbed again.  Why else do you think I write this stuff?  It’s the closest I can cum, er come, I’m afraid. 😥

—————

There you have it! Now go out there and write some hot manlove. Who knows? You could be a natural! If you don’t feel comfortable doing it yourself, feel free to comment below for a chance to win my e-book “Forever is Now” and I’ll be happy to provide it for you.

In your comment, you may tell me your favorite 80’s song/movie or must-have male/male gettin’-it-on accouterments I missed. Fire at will, contest open all over the universe, and don’t forget to check out all the other blogs and comment like a mother-fucker.  Every comment on every stop gets you one step closer to the $50 gift card giveaway. I don’t make the rules, I just play by them (yeah, right).

-Kimber

This is a Blog Hop!



Forever is Now Trailer Reveal!


Rocking Rejection

Aw, shit.  Rejection.  The dreaded R word that probably should be spelled with four letters, it sucks so bad.

Micronodular cirrhosis developing in a transpl...

Micronodular cirrhosis developing in a transplanted liver with chronic rejection (Photo credit: bc the path) Writing rejection doesn’t suck as bad as organ transplant rejection. See? There is a bright side!

It happens to every writer at some point in time (and if it doesn’t, I bow down to you, and also will be creating a voodoo doll in your likeness later today–send me a pic).

Anyway, I’ve gotten them, and will continue to do so as long as I keep writing.  I’ve accepted it.  Sure, it still hurts, much like the country music someone just  turned on as I sit in the lobby of my five-year-old’s sports class.

[Seriously, people?  Are you trying to tell me I shouldn’t hang around while the boy runs his crazies out?  The classic rock you played the last few times was tolerable, if not preferred.  This is down-right cruel.  Mental note–head phones next time.]

Back to rejection.  It comes in all forms, and when I get past the anal-sex-with-no-lube burn of having my dreams dashed I can often see the positive side of rejection.  Here is my opportunity to add that scene I’d been considering.  Here’s my chance to employ some of the new editing techniques I’ve picked up in the four months I waited to hear back.  Now I can work out the suggestions recommended by editors kind enough to take the time to send along their notes.  Now I can rock this.

Sure, not every rejection is a lengthy letter on things the almighty publishers think should be changed.  They don’t always tell you what sucked about your precious bundle.  Sometimes they’re form rejects.  But even those are an opportunity to tweak your tale into something better than it was before.  Shake things up.  Get a few more beta reads.  Sell your soul to the Devil for a magic pen that writes real goodish. It’s a second chance to make your beautiful baby even prettier before she goes out into the world.  Stick a freakin’ bow in her hair and put on her frou-frou party dress before you promenade her through the lobby of the Ritz-Carlton.

[It was all of my bad analogies, wasn’t it?]

Your glass can still be half full with Jack Daniels, friends.

Me?  Mine has a good mouthful in it, and even a chip of ice still floating around as my latest N-O is tossed back on the drawing board.  I’m gonna make it sing way better than the dude currently whining on this f#%@^9 radio station.

I’m gonna rock it.

Cheers to second chances, all!

-Kimber


The View From My Office–My Writing Space

Now I sit me down to write

Be sure my back cushion feels just right

Knock questionable tissues onto the floor

Look for Post Its–I must have more!

Squint and strain at scribbled notes

What?  Have my MC milk a goat?

Little, Brown share the space

With “How to Write Erotica” (in your face)

Cup of coffee, still pretty hot

Just get writing.  Screw the plot!

Can't close the door.  My office is in the eat-in kitchen/family room.

Can’t close the door. My office is in the eat-in kitchen/family room. Kids’ craft zone in the drawers beneath.

And, yes, my office comes complete with karaoke.  Sometimes I just need to sing.  This is actually an old shot.  I now have five Living Dead Dolls keeping a milky eye (okay, seven milky eyes, two red, and one black) on me from up top.

8-26-12 N2

What the hell is this? A weird Dragonosaur punch balloon with his crystal ball of clarity? Yeah, he’s gone now, but he sure was a fine mascot for some time.

LIVING DEAD DOLLS : Eggzorcist

LIVING DEAD DOLLS : Eggzorcist (Photo credit: minowa*naitoh)  Yes, I do have this one.  My BFF thought I needed these to help with my horror writing.  Indeed, she was correct.

So that’s where my magic <cough cough> happens.  What weirdness do you keep in your “office?”

-Kimber


Sexy Songs to Get Busy (Writing) To

The other day on Facebook, my favorite local radio station posted a call for the hottest/sexiest rock songs.  By rock, I assume this is an all-encompassing bag that holds metal, alternative, Elvis, etc.  You dig?

I decided (after posting one song to the radio’s FB page) that I would compile my own blog list rather than bombard them with a ton of videos.  I am great at bombarding FB with videos, BTW.  I’m also great at bombarding blog readers with videos.  What can I say?  I love music and hot men, and when the two get together it’s sweet sensory ambrosia.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order, I give you a mosaic of sexy songs.

Glenn Danzig–the dirty, black re-incarnation of The King of Rock and Roll.  Honestly, nearly every Danzig song makes me want to get down, make love, umm, I mean sit down, make poetry.

I know.  Nickelback.  Back in the day they had some great songs, and then they went all commercial.  Someone on the FB list said “Something in Your Mouth,” which I abhor.  That is a cheesy BJ song, not like some of their older, better BJ songs.  I want to scream from the mountain tops, “What happened to old Nickelback, who scratched names in the sides of bullets and did a lot of nasty head-pushing?”  I liked those guys.  Of course, none of them are good-looking but I can look past that for a good voice and catchy tune.  Anyway, I was reminded of this raunchy-hot song that I’ve always enjoyed.  Don’t hate me for it.

Tool.  Honestly, I could get freaky to anything Maynard James breathes on, but “H” and “Stinkfist” were always my imaginary pole dancing songs (back when I used to imagine myself as a pole dancer).  Plus some sicko set this to “Eraserhead” so I couldn’t resist the bizarro connection.  Actually, all official Tool videos are bizarro anyway…

And my boy Ben.  Again, I could pick twenty Breaking Benjamin songs to get off some writing done to, but as I type and listen to this song, I’m having a hard time keeping my clothes on.  I chose well, me thinks.  Who waits forever, anyway?

Peter Steele, gone too soon, had the voice of a seductive devil.  These guys were phenomenal, and are still in my heavy Halloween rotation.  Plus, I challenge you to find me a sexier holiday than Halloween.  No, you can’t.

Couldn’t skip Def Leppard since any number of their songs can get me in the mood.  My husband has this knowledge and is kind enough not to abuse the power this eighties cheese holds over my flimsy chastity belt.  We even saw the old boys in concert last year for our anniversary [wink, wink].  And for the record, I started listening to them about 12 years ago.  I was too young to appreciate the Def when they were actually cool.  Just throwing my semi-youth out there.

Okay, I’ll stop now.  Feel free to insert your own sexy songs in my comment box [lascivious eyebrow wiggle].


Drano for Your Braino: 10 Ways to Unclog Your Writer’s Block

1.     Go to bed.  I find this to be the easiest way to get ideas.  Drift off to that purgatory between sleep and wakefulness.  Think about your characters, your plot, or your problem that can’t be solved during the daylight hours no matter how hard you try (or don’t try, I think that is my problem). 

Inevitably, ideas will start to come to you just when you want to fall asleep.  This is where the little notebook and pen on your bedside stand come in mighty handy.  You will probably be wide awake after you get your good idea.  You may even have to go fire up your computer again.

2.     People watch.  It’s a great way to work on you characterization.  Is that male lead just not fleshing out believably? 

Go to Walmart and take in the sights.  If you’re looking for some character flaws, the mom whose kid knocks over a jar of pickles and she just wheels off without telling anyone could spark an idea.  The guy trying on ladies hats when he thinks no one is looking seems like a fun person.  The anorexic/bulimic teenager wolfing down Ho Hos behind a clothes rack before she runs to the bathroom to vomit them up is intriguing.  Look around you; the freaks abound and they are fun to play with.

3.     Read a book.  I’m not saying rip it off, I’m just saying that a break from the head-pounding might give your wee little brain a chance to chill out, start firing off on some different neural passages than the tried and true, beaten down ones you’ve been stomping away at. 

4.     Vacation!  Sit on a beach with your notebook.  If that doesn’t grease the idea skids, I don’t know what will.  Can’t get away at the moment?  Hang up your hammock and take a ten minute swing.  Draw a bath and soak for a few.  Stick a little umbrella in your margarita.

5.     Have a few of those margaritas.  Ideas will pop up like dandelions.  Not all will be viable when the high wears off, but some might be saved for future use.

6.     Watch a movie.  That’s all.

7.     Stuck in a rut?  Think of something really nasty-mean to do to your character(s).  See what they do when they’re bit by a venomous scorpion.  Have them catch their spouse cheating.  They’re out of Lucky Charms and it’s breakfast time!!!!!  Do they go on a killing rampage or just go to the store?  It is a true test of character to let them react to a situation.

8.     Eat chocolate.  It’s sure fire.  Or maybe just delicious.

9.     Exercise.  You need to after all of the chocolate and alcohol anyway.  Go for a walk, a run, a yoga video.  Best to be done alone, otherwise you’re just gossiping with your girlfriend or listening to your four-year old whine about how long it is taking you to do your workout and how he needs more fruit snacks.

10.    Listen to music!  This is my favorite way to be inspired.  I have a soundtrack for just about every piece of writing I do.  Sometimes my story is born of a song.  Sometimes I think of the perfect music to go with a particular character or plot line as I go.  Playing those songs inevitably gets me in the mood to build on that world or story line. 

Try it.  Better yet, try it with that margarita while swinging on your hammock.  Take a box of Ho Hos and your little notebook and you’ll be brainstorming in no time. 

              If not, at least it will still be a good time.

 


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