Tag Archives: gay erotica

What’s Up Wednesday

Hey, all! It occurred to me on Monday that I should come up with a clever little name for one day of the week and blog religiously on that day. What’s Up Wednesday fit the bill, but it was Monday, so damn. Luckily I’m uber-slow and got hung up on a billion other tasks. I blinked and it’s Wednesday!  Like magic, baby!

As an aside, I did a search for What’s Up Wednesday and found this YA author had a weekly hop with the title a few years back. Seems to be defunct, but I’ll give her full credit, especially since she has some swell blog post ideas I’ll probably borrow at some point.

So, what have I been up to? Seems a legit topic to begin. For one, I’ve been working on starting a newsletter and polishing up a short story I plan to dangle in front of your clicking fingers to make you sign up, so get ready for that. It’s the only way to get your hands on my tale, “The Ferryman Cometh,” a dark paranormal erotic MMM, so a tad off my beaten path with that extra M. 😉 I’ll let you know when that’s ready to e-ship, likely by next Wednesday if not sooner.

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I’m self-editing “Balancing Act” right this second. I’m about 2/3 done and then I’ll get it to beta readers. It’s a tough edit because I am striving to keep it just under 40,000 words so it doesn’t jump to the next price point with my publisher. At the moment, I have maybe 300 words of wiggle room, so I’m essentially fucked, but still gonna give it my all. The problem is, when I’m writing dialog fast, I often omit the tags and then come in later and add a bit of meat to make it clear who’s speaking. Hopefully I won’t hit any major rough patches in the home stretch that will require, well, more words. 😛

Okay, that’s it for now. Stay tuned for more newsletter info coming shortly, and more general blogging on Wednesday. Heck, maybe I’ll go do some crunches while I’m on my self-improvement kick.
rainbow logo

-Kimber

 

 

 


Procrastination Works for Me

Okay, it may not work for the almighty word count (hey, I’m up to 23,196 on my NaNoWriMo so nanny-nanny-boo-boo all you suckers who thought you had to get that shit done in a month).

No, seriously, I suck big fat ostrich…eggs when it comes to getting my writing done in a timely fashion. I’ve tried forcing it, but it simply won’t work for me that way. In the case of my NaNo, and current, WIP (Shooting Stars Book 3), I stopped after a week to work on edits for “Double Takes” so I could get that out to beta readers. Oh, and I started my November writathon a few days late because I had to finish DTs.

No, I still haven’t gotten DTs to my publisher. Screw you for judging me.

But, in my own slllloooooowwwww defense, my waiting-until-the-feeling-is just-right approach (and no, again, I was never like that with guys) is working for me now.

I’ve been mulling over my next scene in Shooting Stars Book 3—yes it has a title, and no I won’t tell you what it is because it is so fucking good and I am a weeeeeee bit paranoid a faster writer will rip that shit out from under me. Fuck, a dead writer could probably do it.

Shhhhhhh.

Where was I? Yeah, so I was trying to triangulate this scene (I was just doing some stupid math homework with the biggest hobbit. Forgive my triangulation), and I couldn’t quite make it work (not at all unlike this crazy 5th grade math homework. WTF????) so I slept on it.

I’m such a planner, I can’t sit down and write until it feels right, you know? I’ve heard of writing through writer’s block and that sounds swell, Beav, but if I don’t know what the hell I’m writing, then…  What the hell am I writing? Damn straight I’ll be re-writing.

I digress. It’s the wine.

So, I had a vague outline for my scene based on the events of senior week for my character’s college, which I found online. I didn’t really like how it all fit together, and if I don’t like it in my head, I sure as shit don’t like writing it. Anyway, come to find out the next day after I slept on it (okay, twice. Maybe three times) that the itinerary I was looking at was for the wrong school with a similar name. Freakin’ Google. I Googled it again with the correct name to double-check, and the wrong one came up again. Same city. Similar name. I guess Google prefers BC to BU.

So does my husband.

Long story too freakin’ long, I scrapped the whole thing. Not that I couldn’t pull the artistic license card. I could. It’s fiction. But it wasn’t right and I knew it.

I guess my point is that I’m psychic. And I procrastinate.

Oh! And I slept on this new information and came up with a fantastic new scene in which I was able to write in my old buddy Gio from “Double Takes.”

See? Taking your sweet ass time can pay off on occasion.

Pipe down all you NaNo winners who are on your third book since November. I’ve got my ears covered and I’m singing “La Cucaracha” at the top of my voice.

-Kimber


Slippery When Wet or Too #Sexy for my Blog or The Art of Writing Male/Male Anal

Did you sing that horrible song when you read the title?  A small, malicious part of me hopes so. >:-) Oh! I didn’t mean anything Bon Jovi, although this is a musical entry, I must say. Anyway, allow me to serenade you while we go at it, here.

The Slippery When Wet Blog Hop begins today, and I am ill-prepared. Or maybe too prepared. Anyway, I have a blog post I penned a while back, which seemed too risqué to send to other places as a guest blog, but is just right tonight after realizing I have two hours to get this sweetheart posted. Enter: The Art of Writing Male/Male Anal.

The Art of Writing M/M Anal

This won’t be comprehensive, but how about the basics for virgin author’s everywhere who want to delve into the great “Do Not Enter?” Sometimes it’s not just an exit, ladies and gentleman, but there are a couple of things we’re going to need in order to get this bird off the ground. So wave your magic pen and produce these magical items:

1.         Condom.  This baby gets top billing for most smut peddlers the world over. Publishing houses, generally speaking, are pretty firm on the “No Creampie” rule. That’s not to say you can’t sneak them in once in a while, especially in short stories which are more likely to fall into the erotica without romance or stupid people having risky sex categories (read: one seat closer to the almighty porn throne).  I wrote a short for Shane Allison’s Bad Boy anthology with Cleis Press (which should be out soon, actually) and had a bank robber getting it on with a hostage right after the hold up. Needless to say, there were no condoms available at the hideout in the woods. Obviously plot factors into your safe sex decision.

Also, if your MCs are in a serious, committed relationship, and you’ve laid that on the line—maybe even with a side note on VD testing (archaic term that is so Pretty in Pink it makes me smile–no, wait, I think that was Sixteen Candles)—you can go ahead and get really nasty. But—general rule of thumb—have a rubber in someone’s pocket/drawer/under the seat of their car/in the little booze container around their faithful St. Barnard’s neck.  Whatever. Non-human exceptions exist as well.  Aliens don’t carry AIDS and all you need is a rabies shot to get it on with a wolf shifter.

2.         Lube. This runs alongside the condom. For one, rubbers—even if they say lubricated—are going to make things, shall we say, rougher, than skin on skin. Also, chicks have the built-in lube. That’s right, we can make our own, so in vaginal sex no one gets bent out of shape if a bottle of K-Y isn’t sitting on your fictional dresser. But M/M? The human ass needs a helping hand (full of spit or jelly).  Spit isn’t the best, but it’s always available unless they are trapped in the Sahara, in which case, I doubt they’re feeling too amorous.

3.         A little foreplay. Even if you’ve got the rubber on your big burly top, he’s squirted an entire bottle of love-lotion on his long-stocking, and his pretty boyfriend is face-down-ass-up, it isn’t nice to just stick it in without a little preamble.  Rimming works, but if your guys aren’t so inclined, a gradual finger work-up is really the kinder, gentler thing to do than insta-penetration.

4.         Mention of the prostate.  No, it isn’t a prostrate like your mother-in-law calls it.  That means lying down with your face smashed into a pillow, which may well be the case with your sexy little bottom who happens to be getting his prostate hammered by his bear.  Not necessarily something you MUST mention, but seems to be a huge factor in the pleasure experience for the guy getting fucked.  I don’t know.  I don’t have one myself, and frankly I feel robbed. I’m going to go write my congressman right now.

5.         The grand finale!  I don’t need to tell you how to do this, really. The world is your orgasm oyster.  Have a fire hose showdown if you like.  One thing to remember is that if the guy on bottom gets off first, I hear tell having a big dick in his ass for an extended time after can be uncomfortable.  Again, I can’t verify this personally and I can’t ask my husband.  I also can’t take part in a fire hose showdown.  Robbed again.  Why else do you think I write this stuff?  It’s the closest I can cum, er come, I’m afraid. 😥

—————

There you have it! Now go out there and write some hot manlove. Who knows? You could be a natural! If you don’t feel comfortable doing it yourself, feel free to comment below for a chance to win my e-book “Forever is Now” and I’ll be happy to provide it for you.

In your comment, you may tell me your favorite 80’s song/movie or must-have male/male gettin’-it-on accouterments I missed. Fire at will, contest open all over the universe, and don’t forget to check out all the other blogs and comment like a mother-fucker.  Every comment on every stop gets you one step closer to the $50 gift card giveaway. I don’t make the rules, I just play by them (yeah, right).

-Kimber

This is a Blog Hop!



Forever is Now Trailer Reveal!


Interview with Author Max Vos

I really wanted to title this “Interview with a Vampire-Leprechaun” since it’s St. Patty’s weekend and both vampires and leprechauns come up in this interview.  But, alas, I didn’t actually interview a vampire-leprechaun.  Sound’s both exciting and dangerous–I’d be all trying to get his gold and he’d be all trying to suck my blood, meanwhile, there’d be the interview.  It could be anyone’s game.

Okay, enough with the bloody shenanigans.  I did, in fact, interview M/M erotica/erotic romance author, Max Vos.  It was a good time (maybe not vampire-leprechaun good, but I don’t want that comparison to diminish the experience).  Max was sweet enough to put up with my silliness, and for that, I thank him.

Ready.  Set.  Go!

So, Max, I hear you wrote a vampire novel that isn’t your average blood-sucking yarn.  Wanna tell us a bit about that and what makes it different?

I did. I did it on a dare actually. I wrote it during NaNoWriMo. I had a really difficult time in getting it started. The vampire thing has been so overdone and I didn’t want to do the same ol’ same ol’, ya know? So I basically wrote the whole thing in less than three weeks. Once I got started, and knew where it was going, it almost wrote itself.

This story doesn’t really focus on the vampire aspect, but on the plot of the story. It just so happens that there is an entire platoon of vampire Marines. And who doesn’t love a hot and hunky Marine? I guess that is what makes it different.

Is there a particular author or book that first turned you on to writing gay erotic romance?  Who or what was it? 

What got me started writing was a now dear friend, Susan. She hit me up on a social site wanting to know about M/M relationships and how a Dom/sub relationship works between men. We got to be quite close while she was writing her book in this genre. She then sent me a few M/M erotic romance books, and I was hooked. She talked me into writing a few stories. The first story I wrote got published, which shocked the hell out of me.

I had also read Josh Lanyon’s book on how to write M/M erotic books, which helped a lot. I mean, I hadn’t done any type of creative writing since I was in high school. I was pretty much forced to retire, (I was a Chef) when my feet became so bad I couldn’t stand for the hours needed, so I was really looking for something to do. Now I love it and can’t seem to stop writing.

How would you describe your writing style?

How would I know? LOL I will have to answer that by saying what others have said about my style I guess. Hard hitting, gritty, emotional, extremely graphic. I hold nothing back as to how real gay men have sex.

Are there sub-genres or themes that tend to pop up frequently in your work (paranormal, contemporary, sci-fi, horror)?  If so, what are they? 

Well, the only Paranormal book I’ve written is the Vamp book, “The V-Unit.” I do have a tendency to write about Marines. I have to admit, I do have a thing about them. Although a lot of my short stories have chefs or cooking in them. I have three stories in print with Ravenous Romance, and two of them have something to do with cooking.

The first was “Cooking English”, which is in “My First Threesome.” The other one, just released last month was “Hot Peppers” published in “Snowed In.” I was asked to do another ménage story, so I did a follow-up with “Hot Peppers.” Don’t have a publishing date on that one yet. The other published one was about geeks, so I put a fireman and a hot geek together. I have to admit, I kind of knew the geek in real life, and he is very true to form. LOL

Let’s say you were abducted by aliens.  Why did they choose you and why did they consequently let you go? 

Oh hell, what a question. Hmmm, okay…they chose me because I can cook a mean Beouf Bourguignon (French Beef Stew).

They let me go because I’m a royal pain in the ass, and stubborn as a mule.

While you’re writing/planning—music or no music?  If music, what kind?

Ahhh, I get up early, because I’ve been getting up early for so many years I can’t help it. So first thing is I turn on the news, and have it going on the background. I normally turn it off at nine in the morning, and then it is music the rest of the day. Classical all the way. I have a pension for Chopin. United Kingdom radio is my go to station on the computer.

When it comes to choosing a love interest, what are your three must-haves that start with the letter S.  What are your three absolute turn offs (I’ll be nice and let them start with any letter). 

Oh how awfully kind of you, LOL. Let’s see…the letter S.

How about SEXY.

Smoldering eyes. For me eyes are very important. They say so much about a person.

Shapely ass. How’s that. A man should have a great ass. LOL

Now for the peeves or turn offs. The first one would have to be shaving. A real man doesn’t shave his pubes into the shape of a heart. TOTAL turn off.

Trimming of chest hair. If you have it, flaunt it. I like a furry man personally, and that is a huge turn off to be all manscaped.

Bad breath. Nothing worse than to lean into a hot man and have stank breath hit you in the face.

Oh, I hear ya there!  You’re talking to the girl who brushes the enamel off her teeth.  Bad oral hygiene makes me insane.  Now I’ve got the old Close Up toothpaste theme song stuck in my head.

What’s the meanest thing you ever did to one of your characters? 

I killed his ass. He was a sweet and innocent kid from the Midwest, but he just had to go. LOL

Sweet and innocent, huh?  Sounds like he was asking for it.

You have a story in “Geek Lust.”  Can you give us a quick teaser for that short story? 

“Geek Lust” was fun to write. As I think I said, I knew the geek from years ago.

Here’s a little bit of “Geek on Fire.” –

Eric thought it was cute the way Al kept trying to avert his eyes away from his own pointy nipples, sticking out from his t-shirt. Damn, he was so adorable, Eric thought.

Without thinking, Eric pulled Al into his arms and pressed his lips to the other mans. Caught off guard, Al’s mouth opened from shock, allowing Eric full access to the other man’s warm, moist orifice.

Al seemed to protest after the initial shock wore off, but quickly gave in, as the kiss hastily turned passionate. Eric’s tongue reached for Al’s tonsils, plunging repeatedly towards the back his throat. The longer the kiss lasted, the more Al relaxed into Eric’s body.

Tell us a little about your latest release or project.  Where can we find it? 

Well, I love doing shorts. I think they are fun, and a quick and easy read in this hectic and busy time for everyone. Another author, CR Guiliano, and I are each doing a St. Patty’s Day-themed story. We each are going to post them for free on our own blogs. It is the age old question of how different women write M/M fiction than men. Josh Lanyon has hit upon this several times, so we are going to put it to the test. Even though we both write in this genre, I think we have totally different styles. I look forward to how our readers will respond.

Both are sexy and fun. I hope everyone will leave a comment.

I can’t wait to check them out!  

Okay, it’s pimpin’ time:

www.Max-Vos.blogspot.com – blog of course

MaxVos@ymail.com – IM’s encouraged.

Max Vos on Facebook

Max, thanks so much for coming to play in my sandbox!  Don’t take any wooden shillelaghs from any vampire-leprechauns–they’re a crafty bunch, I tell ya.

I raise my green beer to you, Sir, and look forward to seeing you around!

-Kimber


The Second Semi-Annual Search Terms Review

And only seven months behind the first semi-annual search terms review, I’d say that “semi-annual” business can’t be refuted.  You can call me late to dinner (since I’m the one making it anyway), but don’t call me a liar.

Anyway, heading up the search terms pack, we have the ever present Anthony Kiedis and his mysterious penis.  Everyone apparently wants to know: What is it like?  Where does it hang out?  Does it have a nickname?  Do tricks?  Get into any hard-to-scratch places?

English: "Anthony Kiedis (lead singer). R...

English: “Anthony Kiedis (lead singer). Red Hot Chilli Pepper in concert at The Forum, Inglewood, California. Stadium Arcadium Tour.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As usual, I am just as curious and in the dark as the rest of you.  Apologies.

The next-highest is a newcomer in the search pool–experimental sex.  Fun!  Who doesn’t want to know more about experimental sex?  But I wonder what, specifically, my searchers hoped to find?  Experimental positions?  Bunsen burners and beakers kinda shit?  Kink (’cause Bunsen burners don’t fall under kink–right)?  Same sex couplings?  I don’t know.  I’d love to broaden my (and your) horizons, but I’m afraid the horizon is simply too broad.

That being said, I’ve got some kinky Dr. Jekyl/Mrs. Hyde stuff thrusting around my head at the moment.  It might bear further examination.

Third, our favorite Matt Bomer makes his appearance.  People want him to do porn.  That’s all I can deduce.  For the record, I would watch it.  Twice.

Our forth-place search is the ever delightful “Cowboy Erotica.”  We love sexy cowboys, and with good reason.  They’re sexy.  And they’re cowboys.

After a few more versions of Anthony Kiedis searches (cock size and fan fic), we, happily, have searches for me, Kimber Vale.  That makes sense, seeing as how this is my damn blog and not Anthony Kiedis’.  If, however, he wants author privileges here, I will grant them in exchange for a live measuring of the organ we’re all so interested in (measurements taken by Yours Truly, of course).

Now that the winners have been credited, lets roll on to the funny, the weird, and the downright disturbing…

Show me the sexiest cowboy calendar.”  It’s like “show me the money” or the answer to a  Jeopardy question.  Does this person always Google this way?  Seems like a lot of unnecessary typing.  Show me “free gay porn” for a thousand, Alex!

Gay songs for gay people.”  Not to be confused with gay songs for straight people.  Whatever, this search promises some fun tunes.  It must, because it landed someone on my blog, and I only post fun tunes.

Oh, wait.  That’s an angry tune for angry people.  Actually, I chose this because I am going to see these guys tomorrow night.  Buyah.

Best alcohol for an erection tequila.”  Sounds like you just answered your own question, buddy.

Romance novels that talk about fucking dick and pussy.”  Yup.  Next time, search erotica and save your fingers the trouble.

Why did you spank my clit Daddy?”  For the record, I don’t write this sub-genre of smut.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Seems this question would be better answered in an e-mail or phone call, rather than a Bing search.  Badda bing, badda bang, Daddy.

Why does anal sex feel so right yet so wrong?”  Who says it’s wrong?  Your mother?  Your proctologist?  Whatever!  It’s my ass, I’ll do with it what I want.  Someone pass me the Preparation H, will ya?

How does smurf in wizard of oz looks like?”  Excuse me.  What?

Draino margarita.”  Well, it’s an old family recipe, but since we’re so close and I trust you implicitly, I gift you with the deets.  Take one part Draino.  Mix with one part tequila.  Rocks or straight up, your choice.  Puke it into the sink with the slowest drain, flush both pipes with hot water, and see your doctor immediately.

Blow job plastic bib.”  I love this one!  I just picture a lobster bib only it has a picture of a huge, dripping cock on the front.  Tie one on before your next romantic encounter!  Monica Lewinsky sure wishes she did!  Slurp.

And, finally, “How do I talk dirty without being too VLOGGER.”  Just talk dirty on your BLOG, my friend.  Keep it church clean on the VLOG.  You Tube will totally ban you for that shit.

Thanks for all the fab search material, friends!  Don’t forget to tip your waiter!

-Kimber


The Next Big Thing

God, I love big things!  The fantastic J. Marie Ravenshaw, horror and erotica author extraordinaire, was sweet enough to tag me in The Next Big Thing.  If you’re not down with the blogingo, this game involves the taggee answering questions on his/her newest work in progress, and then tagging 5 more authors to do the same.

J. Marie did one hell of a rundown on her story, L’Escalier du Diable (The Devil’s Stairway), an erotic horror book (FUN!).  I am definitely looking forward to reading it when it comes out!

Now, I’m not sure I can do as comprehensive a job on my Next Big Thing post, but I’ll chalk my cue and give it a shot…

1. Name of my newest book:

It actually pains me to write it, as I recently changed it when another M/M rock star erotica book came out with a very similar name.  It was kinda like renaming a child after he’s been around for a few years: weird and sad.  Anyway, the current title is “Rock and Hard Places.”  Nobody freakin’ steal it or I will come after you with a meat cleaver!

2. Where did my idea come from?

I’m happy to say that it evolved from a fantastic spring/summer of concert-going. 🙂  I love my dual eye/ear candy and wanted to write about something that interests and inspires me in such an extreme way: bad-ass guys with guitars.

3.  What genre is my book?

Male/male contemporary erotic romance.

4.  Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

Matthew Bomer

Matthew Bomer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Oooo.  Well my actor for Alex Bremen is easy: Matt Bomer (with all of his muscles on) 😉  By the way, Matt Bomer could be straight as a pin, and he would still be perfect as Alex–exactly the gorgeous guy I pictured.

My rock star, Chance Ralan, is a bit tougher to peg.  I’m going to go with Josh Holloway.  He’ll need green contacts, black dyed hair with an inch of blond roots, and guyliner.

English: kristin.eonline.com - Comic-Con 2009 ...

English: kristin.eonline.com – Comic-Con 2009 – “Lost” Press Room – San Diego – July 25, 2009 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Of course, both of my chosen actors are older than my late 20-something boys in the book, but, hey, it’s my hypothetical movie.

I also have a host of fun secondary characters, but I can’t spend that much time picking them out of the IMDb data base right now.  If Hollywood comes knocking, I’ll reconsider.

5. One line synopsis of my book:

Alex Bremen, journalist and documentary film producer, seeks out his rock star ex-boyfriend for revenge, but will  a rekindled romance spell disaster?

6. Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?  I hope to publish with an erotica e-publisher when I’m done with edits.

7. How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?  I cranked the first 29K out in a matter of weeks–couldn’t type fast enough once these guys got in my head.  I broke for a number of side projects (round of edits on another MS, multiple short stories) and then got back on that horse.  I would say, about 2 months start to finish.

8. What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?  I have yet to read any rock star gay romances, although I see a few are out there.  I am a huge KA Mitchell fan and like to think readers who enjoy her books would like mine.

9. Who or what inspired you to write this book?  Wait a minute…didn’t I answer this?

10. What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?  Well, my bad boy Chance is a bit of a stone-cold asshole sometimes, but it’s tough not to love him anyway (as Alex well knows).  I like to think of him as my gay guy alter ego.  There is drinking, excessive cursing, tons of snark, and a dash or two of angst.  Oh, and hot-hot-hot man sex.

Yay!  I did it!  Now I have to tag 5 others…

I’ll mix it up with The Reclining Gentleman, JC Cassels, A Talk Behind Closed Doors, Alice Dark, and, finally, The Hook–who better be working on some new material by now. 🙂


“Written in Flesh” has a Cover!

Includes my M/M erotic fantasy novelette “Bound by Ink.”

This beauty is due out September 14, 2012 from Storm Moon Press.  The collection includes tales of tasty tattooed men and the guys that fall for them.  Should be inkalicious.

On another note, I finally got a website up and running for www.kimbervale.com (I know, catchy domain name, right?) so check it out once in a while if you are so inclined.  I posted an erotic heterosexual short called “Kept After School” over there for fun.  Give it a read if you never caught it on Oysters & Chocolate.

And lastly, our Cowboy Lust blog tour has ended (sniff)!  Winners have been selected and will be contacted via e-mail within the next few days.  Thanks to everyone who stopped by, commented, and read bits of our hot cowboy contributions.  It was a smokin’ hoedown!

-Kimber

Related Articles:

http://alinaray.wordpress.com/2012/08/29/written-in-flesh/

http://suzannevanrooyen.com/2012/07/05/written-in-flesh-anthology/


Who Here has Screwed the Pooch?

I’m wondering about weird phrases today.

It’s raining cats and dogs. Or maybe it’s colder than a witch’s titty. Oh, how the worm has turned, probably because it was a piece of cake.

What got me thinking of these dumb sayings, you ask? Well, for some reason, “screwed the pooch” came up in conversation and I got stuck analyzing it:

How is the term “screwed the pooch” at all socially acceptable?  Who started it and why didn’t the first person to use it get slammed by everyone within hearing distance?  It just doesn’t make sense. Why? For the love of Pete, WHY?!

As an author, I know that basically all publishers forbid animal love. While the erotica industry  is largely accepting of most forms of snoo-snoo, bestiality is pretty much a standard no-go everywhere you look. People getting kinky with pets? Hard stop. With good reason, I might add.

I do love to pet my pussy, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve never “screwed the pooch.”  I won’t even allow a dog to lick me, to be honest.  Grosses me out. I know damn well where that tongue’s been and I don’t want any part of it.

And they say the human mouth is the dirtiest.  My personal jury is still out on that. I’ll let you know the final verdict once the zombocalypse hits.

So, what other asinine phrases can you think of?  I revel in imagining “great balls of fire,” and “for the love of Pete,” especially since I know a very conservative Pete.  How about “holy shit?”  I can’t help but picture a priest in an outhouse for some reason.  These are all well-known, oft-used expressions.  But why?

What if we change it up the next time we’re in pleasant company?  Will the revised versions have the same effect?  Are my new phrases better or worse?

My best buddy just messed up royally, but I say, “Oh, man! You just made sweet love with a dog!”

“Huge flaming testicles!  That kid is driving me insane!”

“Oh, for the sake of being largely enamored with my husband’s unattractive coworker.”

“Well, priest in an outhouse, this is a garbage poker hand.”

Actually, I could get on board with the flaming testicles.  But really, where the hell do we come up with this excrement?  The English language is walnuts. Someone pass me the flippin’ raisins ’cause I’m gonna start mixing it up in everyday speech just to see if I can start some new idiotic idioms.


Where the Hell Have You Been?

I’d like to say that I was travelling, backpacking across Europe and didn’t have one of those plug converter thingies.  Or that I was abducted by aliens and just returned from the probing of a lifetime.  Or even that I was called to the bedside of a rich and ailing great-aunt to be told that if I nurse her for her last two weeks of life, I would receive her entire inheritance.  And now I’m rich and trying to drown the horror of the last fortnight in a vat of gin.

Alas, I’ve still only ever been to Germany and that was thirteen years ago, my ass feels just fine, and all of my middle-class relatives are alive and kicking.  Sadly, I also don’t have a “vat” of gin.

So, what the fuck have I been doing lately that I’ve shirked my blogging duties so tremendously?  Ehhhh…

Well, lets start with the writing.  I found out recently that my novelette-sized M/M erotica called ‘Bound by Ink’ was accepted by Storm Moon Press for their “Written in Flesh” anthology.  I am so stoked about this as it’s a double milestone for me.  It’s my first gay erotica that will be published and my first longer story that, after it spends a year wedged in what is sure to be a delightfully steamy book about tattooed men getting busy, it will be released solo as an e-book.  So, only my name on the cover.  Did you get that?  Only my name on the cover.  I actually just repeated that for myself because those words are almost better than sex.  Almost.  Yippee ki-yay motherfather.

I’ve also been working on a full length gay romantica novel.  Currently in the 26K department (with a 40k goal) and a little stalled because I forced myself to do my fourth read-through of my 40K hetero alien erotica and send to beta readers.  I’m sorta stuck on a name for this one, but we’ll call it “The Star Catcher” for now and maybe I’ll run some sort of naming poll or contest.  I love the name “Sextraterrestrial,” but don’t think I can be taken seriously with such a title.  Because, otherwise, I can be taken seriously, of course.

Gee, that contest thing is a swell idea, Beav!  I’d love to do some t-shirt giveaways.  If only I had some t-shirts.

What else?  Well, my horror persona has a recent anthology release and a blog tour (sometimes I feel like a cheating spouse, bouncing between blogs like a horny housewife when her husband’s away).  That little minx has another antho release set for mid June and a couple of deadlines to get some short stories finished and sent.  She is also working on a horror novel…very…very…slowly.  But, whenever she gets it all worked out and written, boy-ola is it gonna kick ass.  Maybe.  And no zombies, this time.

And finally, the kids are wrapping up school and there are final projects and performances and baking and meetings for Sunday School teachers and bible camp helpers (if this makes you laugh, go ahead and join me in the mirth.  I, too, can see the irony).

And I babysat Satan yesterday, but I’ll keep that story in my front pocket and smoke it when the urge strikes me.  Suffice it to say, everyone is alive and well and I plan to never again fall prey to that bit of neighborly niceness.  Asshat.


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