Tag Archives: sexual experimentation

The Second Semi-Annual Search Terms Review

And only seven months behind the first semi-annual search terms review, I’d say that “semi-annual” business can’t be refuted.  You can call me late to dinner (since I’m the one making it anyway), but don’t call me a liar.

Anyway, heading up the search terms pack, we have the ever present Anthony Kiedis and his mysterious penis.  Everyone apparently wants to know: What is it like?  Where does it hang out?  Does it have a nickname?  Do tricks?  Get into any hard-to-scratch places?

English: "Anthony Kiedis (lead singer). R...

English: “Anthony Kiedis (lead singer). Red Hot Chilli Pepper in concert at The Forum, Inglewood, California. Stadium Arcadium Tour.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As usual, I am just as curious and in the dark as the rest of you.  Apologies.

The next-highest is a newcomer in the search pool–experimental sex.  Fun!  Who doesn’t want to know more about experimental sex?  But I wonder what, specifically, my searchers hoped to find?  Experimental positions?  Bunsen burners and beakers kinda shit?  Kink (’cause Bunsen burners don’t fall under kink–right)?  Same sex couplings?  I don’t know.  I’d love to broaden my (and your) horizons, but I’m afraid the horizon is simply too broad.

That being said, I’ve got some kinky Dr. Jekyl/Mrs. Hyde stuff thrusting around my head at the moment.  It might bear further examination.

Third, our favorite Matt Bomer makes his appearance.  People want him to do porn.  That’s all I can deduce.  For the record, I would watch it.  Twice.

Our forth-place search is the ever delightful “Cowboy Erotica.”  We love sexy cowboys, and with good reason.  They’re sexy.  And they’re cowboys.

After a few more versions of Anthony Kiedis searches (cock size and fan fic), we, happily, have searches for me, Kimber Vale.  That makes sense, seeing as how this is my damn blog and not Anthony Kiedis’.  If, however, he wants author privileges here, I will grant them in exchange for a live measuring of the organ we’re all so interested in (measurements taken by Yours Truly, of course).

Now that the winners have been credited, lets roll on to the funny, the weird, and the downright disturbing…

Show me the sexiest cowboy calendar.”  It’s like “show me the money” or the answer to a  Jeopardy question.  Does this person always Google this way?  Seems like a lot of unnecessary typing.  Show me “free gay porn” for a thousand, Alex!

Gay songs for gay people.”  Not to be confused with gay songs for straight people.  Whatever, this search promises some fun tunes.  It must, because it landed someone on my blog, and I only post fun tunes.

Oh, wait.  That’s an angry tune for angry people.  Actually, I chose this because I am going to see these guys tomorrow night.  Buyah.

Best alcohol for an erection tequila.”  Sounds like you just answered your own question, buddy.

Romance novels that talk about fucking dick and pussy.”  Yup.  Next time, search erotica and save your fingers the trouble.

Why did you spank my clit Daddy?”  For the record, I don’t write this sub-genre of smut.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Seems this question would be better answered in an e-mail or phone call, rather than a Bing search.  Badda bing, badda bang, Daddy.

Why does anal sex feel so right yet so wrong?”  Who says it’s wrong?  Your mother?  Your proctologist?  Whatever!  It’s my ass, I’ll do with it what I want.  Someone pass me the Preparation H, will ya?

How does smurf in wizard of oz looks like?”  Excuse me.  What?

Draino margarita.”  Well, it’s an old family recipe, but since we’re so close and I trust you implicitly, I gift you with the deets.  Take one part Draino.  Mix with one part tequila.  Rocks or straight up, your choice.  Puke it into the sink with the slowest drain, flush both pipes with hot water, and see your doctor immediately.

Blow job plastic bib.”  I love this one!  I just picture a lobster bib only it has a picture of a huge, dripping cock on the front.  Tie one on before your next romantic encounter!  Monica Lewinsky sure wishes she did!  Slurp.

And, finally, “How do I talk dirty without being too VLOGGER.”  Just talk dirty on your BLOG, my friend.  Keep it church clean on the VLOG.  You Tube will totally ban you for that shit.

Thanks for all the fab search material, friends!  Don’t forget to tip your waiter!

-Kimber


Dirty Talk Dos and Don’ts

Don’t shout.  All caps, and loads of exclamation marks are not only jarring in the written word; they are equally disturbing in the bedroom.  “OH, FUCK, YES!!!!!!!!  SPANK MY ASS, DADDY!!!!!”  Even if he doesn’t mind being called daddy, this is gonna kill the mood.

The Overly Dirty Talker at The Frisky

The Overly Dirty Talker at The Frisky (Photo credit: rachelkramerbussel.com)

Do whisper, or strive for that just-smoked-a-pack-of-unfiltered-cigarettes-voice.  “Ooooh yeah.  I love the feel of your hand spanking my ass.”  Better.  My personal preference?  Lose the daddy/daughter/son roleplay business.  But, hey, to each his own.  I won’t tell you how to dirty talk if you don’t tell me how to dirty talk.  Oh, wait a minute…forget it.

Do ask questions.  “Do you like it when I put my finger in your ass, baby?”  “How does my wet pussy feel wrapped around your hard cock, stud?”  This is a good conversation starter.  Try it.  Ya never know.

Don’t ask questions the wrong way.  “What are you doing down there?”  “Did you think that was my clit?”  Or, “What the fuck?!”

If you know he doesn’t like your finger in his ass, or if he just likes to pretend it isn’t happening even though he does like it, don’t ask him the ass question either.

Don’t laugh while you’re talking.  If it feels too weird to murmur, “Bite my nipples,” then just skip it this time.  Practice alone, or with your best girlfriend.  When you’ve mastered saying it with nothing more than a lascivious grin, try again.  Laughter is a sure-fire ticket to Flacid Penisville.

Do giggle seductively.  Big difference.  You can pair this with the daddy talk, pony tails, and knee-high socks.  They work well together.

Don’t rhyme.

No.  Really.  Don’t do it.  I can’t even bring myself to give an example.

Don’t use purple prose.  “You’re going to make my hidden flower bloom, my darling! Yes, cleave me fiercely with your manroot!”  This could be disconcerting if not downright sickening to your lover.  He’s not plowing the freakin’ fields here.  Okay, maybe in a metaphorical sense, but let that shit stay in the musty coffins of seventies romance novels.  Yeah, we all cut our teeth on them, but it doesn’t mean flouncey junk like that is sexy.

Do use real words.  Real dirty ones.  No penis or labia talk, either.  It’s cock and pussy, and he is going to make you come if he keeps doing that with his tongue.  Whoops, that rhymed.  “Fuck” is a good one–you can’t go wrong with the most vulgar expression your dirty little imagination can come up with.  Shoot for the stars.  Beg for a creampie!  By the way, I prefer come to cum, and if anyone has a problem with it, they can go blow.

Don’t ask your partner to do it if you aren’t willing to pony up some sordid sentences of your own.  For one thing, if you ask every time you have sex, your partner might be offended and think that you don’t find him/her sexy enough.  He/She will think you need the dirty talk just to get off.  Trust me, if you are constantly asking, but never reciprocating, it could become a bad thing.

Do talk dirty to try to get your partner to jump in.  You may find you actually enjoy it, and the person you’re with may not feel too self-conscious if you do it first.  In the end, you never know what some people are comfortable with, and what turns them on or off.  Experiment.  If it’s not working, try something new, or, as in the case of the guy who incessantly asked for dirty talk; break up with him.

Life’s too short to waste your time having selfless sex.

-Kimber


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