Tag Archives: porn

Odds and Ends: Cleaning Out My Drawers or Dances with Dildos

I’m not the tidiest person on the planet.

I admit it freely. But once in a while something will happen that makes me “see” my mess, and then I’ll go crazy on it like a Heart song. I don’t think I’m the only one who doesn’t notice fingerprints on the walls and coffee drips down the cabinets on a daily basis. When I eventually do, though, I’m mortified I’ve been oblivious, wallowing in shit for god knows how long, and I go on a scrubbing jag.

Well, my summer clothes are competing with my winter for dresser space and my underwear drawer was so full, it spilled unmentionables down the back insides of the dresser. My hubs had to get a grabby claw thing and pull them out so I could close my drawers again.

Clearly, I’ve been shit wallowing.

So, today I cleaned out my undies drawer. We’ll say nothing of the dishwasher I didn’t finish emptying or the rug that is in dire need of vacuuming or…well, basically any other space in my house. I moved slutty special occasion garments back to their spot in the closet and ditched thongs (condolences to my hubs and congratulations to my ass–I can’t believe I spent the 90’s in those fucking things).

And I found an artifact I’d completely forgotten about.

Enter the crystal dildo:

I shit you not.

I shit you not.

This beauty was a freebie I received for purchasing porn DVDs (and various other…stuff). In fact, I remember making sure I put enough sex accouterments in my cyber cart to ensure I got the glass dildo-to-end-all-dildos.

It’s lovely if not especially titillating. It could pass as a mushroom just as well as a phallus. I suppose the hearts are more than mere decorations as they’re raised for…someone’s pleasure. Shrug. It’s got a solid base so it can stand at attention unassisted or be easily retrieved from tight spaces. It even came in a red velour bag for classy storage (or gift wrap?).

I’ve never done more than hold this delicate masturbatory device up to the light and admire it.

Don’t get me wrong (as if you would)–I thoroughly enjoy my sextras. Just moments ago I sighed in fond memory as I stuck my crotchless panties right back into heavy rotation.

But, honestly, the glass dildo doesn’t make me want to abuse myself (or others). It’s like a stunning work of art.

That doesn’t vibrate.

It belongs in a china cabinet, not a vagina cabinet (sorry, I had to).

So that’s where I put it:

20151015_135012Right next to the shot glasses my Swedish buddy gave us for a wedding present, standing sentinel before the ugly Irish marriage blessing plate, and flouting the fancy-shmancy toasting flutes we were gifted on our special day.

Hey, why not a crystal dildo to celebrate the sacred covenant of marriage? Seems like the luckiest keepsake there (besides the shot glasses, of course).

Yup. I’m totally leaving it. Twenty bucks says no one notices and I eventually smash it reaching for a martini glass.

Okay. I'll tuck it behind this big soup tureen thingy that gets just as much action in case my MIL comes over.

Okay. I’ll tuck it behind this ridiculous soup tureen that gets just as much action. You know, in case my MIL visits.

-Kimber


Crossed Hearts Available for Pre-order!

I forgot to post this the other day, so I’m sticking a quickie up now. 🙂

Crossed Hearts is up on Amazon for pre-order! To celebrate, I’m posting a never-before-seen excerpt. Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~

“You ever run into your ex, you can tell him he’s got it all wrong.” Kory combed his fingers through the hair behind Will’s ear. “And he’s especially stupid for not seeing how lucky he was.”

I’m especially stupid for falling for him.

Kory carried the conversation on the way home. Will did his best to put up an attentive front, but misgiving warred inside him. Did it matter who he had dated in the past? He’d never considered Kory and Darryl might cross paths, but that was before he knew exactly how unforgivable Darryl’s actions were. Did he gamble the two would never meet again? In a small town, the odds weren’t in Will’s favor. Should he just come clean?

Yeah, maybe.

“So, I’ve been thinking… Not that there’s any pressure just because I planned this crazy-romantic date…”fashion

Will pulled his attention from the familiar terrain of his neighborhood. Pulled his thoughts out of the dismal abyss they’d landed in. Kory gave a shy smile. Behind his head, the rain had let up and sunshine was frying a path through the remaining clouds. The unsavory conversation could always wait. Will already resented Darryl’s intrusion on an otherwise amazing day. I’m not giving that asshole another minute of my time. “You were thinking what?”

“Well, if I was gonna have heart-pounding, blood-pressure-spiking sex, it’d probably be wise to make sure a healthcare professional was nearby.” Kory quirked a hopeful eyebrow. “You know, in case of emergency.”

Will abandoned his residual misgivings. The flicker of dread was stamped out by the solid promise in Kory’s words, by his deep chuckle, by those irresistible crow’s feet he got when his whole face engaged in a smile. Will drew a clipped breath. “I may know a guy.”

Kory’s hand landed on Will’s thigh, closer to cock than knee, and pushed between his legs, in and then out, slow and suggestive. “I have specific requirements, though. He’s gotta be about five…eight?”

“Seven work?”

“That’s what I said. Five-seven. Late twenties, early thirties.”

“Check.”Young man

“Umm. He’ll need to have the bangin’est little badonkadonk. You know like—bam!” Kory took his left hand off the wheel to demonstrate what appeared to be an explosion. “There it is! And you wanna make that ass your pillow for the whole night.”

“Excuse me.” Will folded his lips together but he couldn’t fight the smile stretching across his cheeks or the soft titter that escaped him. “Did you have a hard time finding doctors and nurses to fit your unconventional specifications while you were in the hospital?”

“What do you say, sexy?” Kory ignored his comment as they turned into Will’s driveway.

Will pressed his hips into Kory’s touch and was rewarded by a stroke down his stiffening prick. “Did you pack your overnight bag?”

“Always.”

“Then come on in.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crossed Hearts

-Kimber


The First Semiannual Search Terms Review

Raise your hand if you have a blog.  Now keep it in the air if you love to look at the search terms that landed people on said blog.  Wave it back and forth over your head à la that annoying geek in trig class if someone has ever Googled “Smurf Fetish” and ended up on your blog.

My hand is waving like a smoker watching Poison do “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” during a 1988 concert.  Don’t worry if yours is not–I didn’t say Simon Says, anyway.

One of my favorite things to do when checking out my blog stats, is to see what crazy searches resulted in people stopping by my little online hole-in-the-wall.

And speaking of holes in the walls, yes, the phrase “glory hole Coachella” resulted in a visit to my humble site not too long ago.  Oh, to be a fly on that wall.  I bet there were many.

Some of these search terms thrill me to death in a twisted sort of way–such searches as, “Why is necrophilia seen as so wrong?” and “Erotic Horror Stranglings,” for instance.  “Beast necrophilia” and “necrophilia how?” give me a moment of pause, as does “Strangling Woman in boots.”  Just things that make you go hmmm…

And then there are the ones that leave me downright confounded, like “hemero wizard of oz,” and “men anal blow jobs how to give.”  Hemero means day, so is there a national Wizard of Oz Day I’m unaware of?  Not that it’s a bad idea.  I mean, if it comes down to a vote, I say yea.  I’m dying to see a horse of a different color and to try to get a five-finger-discount on a new broom stick.  Incidentally, if anyone out there knows how to give men anal blow jobs, I’d appreciate a diagram just in case I’m missing something.

I’m always looking for new acts to add to my repertoire.

“I love sex” and “cock lust” searches tickle me pink and warm the subcockles of my heart.  And I want to meet the person who Bings “Watch sextraterrestrials porn.”  I think we’d get along just smurfily.  I’ll even bring the popcorn, but also a blanket because I don’t want to sit directly on your couch for our movie night.  Sorry.  It’s not you, it’s me.

Other searches, unfortunately, leave me feeling inadequate.  I mean, when someone looks for “Matthew Bomer Erotica,” and my site doesn’t deliver, I feel like I’m letting my readers down.  Oddly, nearly every piece of erotica I write lately seems to have a guy who looks just like Matthew Bomer, but I’ve never flat-out said so on my blog before.  Weird.

And regarding making most of my studs clones of The Bomer, who can blame me?  He’s delicious.  Anyway, I am now on an intense search for Bomer erotic fan-fiction.  I do this for my followers and, well, let’s just say I feel obligated to hunt some down and preview it multiple times.

When I saw that a gentle reader searched high and low for “How big is Anthony Kiedis‘ penis?” I was heartbroken to know that I had disappointed him or her.  Until I can get Anthony’s digits (and believe me, I will try), might I suggest checking out the old-school sock performance, just to get a rough idea?

And then there was “the twilight saga film series awards” search, to which I politely say, “WTF????”

Finally, I leave you with the question “What movies Vale Kimber star in?”  I can only surmise that someone else surmises I’m a porn star.  Aficionado, maybe.  Fan?  Certainly.  But, the closest I ever came to making a sex movie was contemplating stripping in college.  And possibly some nonconsensual photos during a drunken screw of the same era.  And maybe the security camera that always seemed to be trained outside my dorm room window picked up something I was never mailed a copy of.

I pulled my blinds most of the time, I swear.

But anyway, no.  As much fun as it probably would be to reign as porn queen, I’m afraid I cannot accept this award.  But to all of my fans out there, I say thanks for your support!  I couldn’t be where I am right now without you!

Or maybe I could…

Where the hell am I, anyway?  Hey, who’s that man behind the curtain?!  Please excuse me.  I’m off to go grab his broomstick and possibly give him an anal blow job.


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