I’m wondering about weird phrases today.

It’s raining cats and dogs. Or maybe it’s colder than a witch’s titty. Oh, how the worm has turned, probably because it was a piece of cake.

What got me thinking of these dumb sayings, you ask? Well, for some reason, “screwed the pooch” came up in conversation and I got stuck analyzing it:

How is the term “screwed the pooch” at all socially acceptable?  Who started it and why didn’t the first person to use it get slammed by everyone within hearing distance?  It just doesn’t make sense. Why? For the love of Pete, WHY?!

As an author, I know that basically all publishers forbid animal love. While the erotica industry  is largely accepting of most forms of snoo-snoo, bestiality is pretty much a standard no-go everywhere you look. People getting kinky with pets? Hard stop. With good reason, I might add.

I do love to pet my pussy, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve never “screwed the pooch.”  I won’t even allow a dog to lick me, to be honest.  Grosses me out. I know damn well where that tongue’s been and I don’t want any part of it.

And they say the human mouth is the dirtiest.  My personal jury is still out on that. I’ll let you know the final verdict once the zombocalypse hits.

So, what other asinine phrases can you think of?  I revel in imagining “great balls of fire,” and “for the love of Pete,” especially since I know a very conservative Pete.  How about “holy shit?”  I can’t help but picture a priest in an outhouse for some reason.  These are all well-known, oft-used expressions.  But why?

What if we change it up the next time we’re in pleasant company?  Will the revised versions have the same effect?  Are my new phrases better or worse?

My best buddy just messed up royally, but I say, “Oh, man! You just made sweet love with a dog!”

“Huge flaming testicles!  That kid is driving me insane!”

“Oh, for the sake of being largely enamored with my husband’s unattractive coworker.”

“Well, priest in an outhouse, this is a garbage poker hand.”

Actually, I could get on board with the flaming testicles.  But really, where the hell do we come up with this excrement?  The English language is walnuts. Someone pass me the flippin’ raisins ’cause I’m gonna start mixing it up in everyday speech just to see if I can start some new idiotic idioms.

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