Don’t shout.  All caps, and loads of exclamation marks are not only jarring in the written word; they are equally disturbing in the bedroom.  “OH, FUCK, YES!!!!!!!!  SPANK MY ASS, DADDY!!!!!”  Even if he doesn’t mind being called daddy, this is gonna kill the mood.

The Overly Dirty Talker at The Frisky (Photo credit: rachelkramerbussel.com)

Do whisper, or strive for that just-smoked-a-pack-of-unfiltered-cigarettes-voice.  “Ooooh yeah.  I love the feel of your hand spanking my ass.”  Better.  My personal preference?  Lose the daddy/daughter/son roleplay business.  But, hey, to each his own.  I won’t tell you how to dirty talk if you don’t tell me how to dirty talk.  Oh, wait a minute…forget it.

Do ask questions.  “Do you like it when I put my finger in your ass, baby?”  “How does my wet pussy feel wrapped around your hard cock, stud?”  This is a good conversation starter.  Try it.  Ya never know.

Don’t ask questions the wrong way.  “What are you doing down there?”  “Did you think that was my clit?”  Or, “What the fuck?!”

If you know he doesn’t like your finger in his ass, or if he just likes to pretend it isn’t happening even though he does like it, don’t ask him the ass question either.

Don’t laugh while you’re talking.  If it feels too weird to murmur, “Bite my nipples,” then just skip it this time.  Practice alone, or with your best girlfriend.  When you’ve mastered saying it with nothing more than a lascivious grin, try again.  Laughter is a sure-fire ticket to Flacid Penisville.

Do giggle seductively.  Big difference.  You can pair this with the daddy talk, pony tails, and knee-high socks.  They work well together.

Don’t rhyme.

No.  Really.  Don’t do it.  I can’t even bring myself to give an example.

Don’t use purple prose.  “You’re going to make my hidden flower bloom, my darling! Yes, cleave me fiercely with your manroot!”  This could be disconcerting if not downright sickening to your lover.  He’s not plowing the freakin’ fields here.  Okay, maybe in a metaphorical sense, but let that shit stay in the musty coffins of seventies romance novels.  Yeah, we all cut our teeth on them, but it doesn’t mean flouncey junk like that is sexy.

Do use real words.  Real dirty ones.  No penis or labia talk, either.  It’s cock and pussy, and he is going to make you come if he keeps doing that with his tongue.  Whoops, that rhymed.  “Fuck” is a good one–you can’t go wrong with the most vulgar expression your dirty little imagination can come up with.  Shoot for the stars.  Beg for a creampie!  By the way, I prefer come to cum, and if anyone has a problem with it, they can go blow.

Don’t ask your partner to do it if you aren’t willing to pony up some sordid sentences of your own.  For one thing, if you ask every time you have sex, your partner might be offended and think that you don’t find him/her sexy enough.  He/She will think you need the dirty talk just to get off.  Trust me, if you are constantly asking, but never reciprocating, it could become a bad thing.

Do talk dirty to try to get your partner to jump in.  You may find you actually enjoy it, and the person you’re with may not feel too self-conscious if you do it first.  In the end, you never know what some people are comfortable with, and what turns them on or off.  Experiment.  If it’s not working, try something new, or, as in the case of the guy who incessantly asked for dirty talk; break up with him.

Life’s too short to waste your time having selfless sex.

-Kimber

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