Top Ten Things Never to Say on a First Date

1.  When he/she asks you about yourself, tap an imaginary microphone and say into it, “Is this thing on?”

Inevitably, this guys sells used cars, or Amway, or both. I can just see his smarmy smile now. Ick.

2.  Hey, the charges were dropped, so that makes me innocent, right?

Run.

3.  Wait until you meet my mom! She’s gonna love you!

Run even faster.

4.  On a scale of one to ten, as far as my looks go, what would you give me? Eight? Wow! No one’s ever given me an eight before!

I’ve had this happen. First and last date. As for his asshat score, I’d give him a perfect 10.

Oh my God. I can't wait for this to be over!  "Special Date, Couple In Love" by stockimages via Freedigitalphotos.net

Oh my God. I can’t wait for this to be over!
“Special Date, Couple In Love” by stockimages via Freedigitalphotos.net

5.  You’re pretty in a weird sort of way. You kind of remind me of a wasp.

And you’re a tool in a toolish sort of way.

I’ve gotten this before, too. It wasn’t even a date, just some guy at a club. I said, “If I be waspish, best beware my sting.” He didn’t get it, and I shook him off my jock as fast as humanly possible.

6.  I was once abducted by aliens.

True or not, you don’t want to get involved with this shit.

7.  My favorite part of the female anatomy is the stomach. I love a girl with nice tight abs.

Yup. Had this happen, too. A: He didn’t have nice tight abs, so I don’t know where he got off. B: He could have said ass or tits and we would have been golden, but nooooo. Dick.

8.  I don’t believe in recycling.

It ain’t Santa Claus, you asshole. I don’t believe in walking, talking douche bags, and yet here you are.

9.  You’ve already slept with both of us, so what’s the big deal about a three-way?

That wasn’t technically a date since I never got more than beer out of it. And he was right; it was actually pretty fun.

10. Drink this. I had the bartender make you something special to loosen you up.

Uhh. No. I’m sticking to water tonight and changing my cell phone number tomorrow.

Anyone have any amazingly bad things said to them on a first date? Do share. I’d love to commiserate! 

-Kimber

About Kimber Vale

Author of romance of all stripes. View all posts by Kimber Vale

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