Monthly Archives: July 2012

Dirty Talk Dos and Don’ts

Don’t shout.  All caps, and loads of exclamation marks are not only jarring in the written word; they are equally disturbing in the bedroom.  “OH, FUCK, YES!!!!!!!!  SPANK MY ASS, DADDY!!!!!”  Even if he doesn’t mind being called daddy, this is gonna kill the mood.

The Overly Dirty Talker at The Frisky

The Overly Dirty Talker at The Frisky (Photo credit: rachelkramerbussel.com)

Do whisper, or strive for that just-smoked-a-pack-of-unfiltered-cigarettes-voice.  “Ooooh yeah.  I love the feel of your hand spanking my ass.”  Better.  My personal preference?  Lose the daddy/daughter/son roleplay business.  But, hey, to each his own.  I won’t tell you how to dirty talk if you don’t tell me how to dirty talk.  Oh, wait a minute…forget it.

Do ask questions.  “Do you like it when I put my finger in your ass, baby?”  “How does my wet pussy feel wrapped around your hard cock, stud?”  This is a good conversation starter.  Try it.  Ya never know.

Don’t ask questions the wrong way.  “What are you doing down there?”  “Did you think that was my clit?”  Or, “What the fuck?!”

If you know he doesn’t like your finger in his ass, or if he just likes to pretend it isn’t happening even though he does like it, don’t ask him the ass question either.

Don’t laugh while you’re talking.  If it feels too weird to murmur, “Bite my nipples,” then just skip it this time.  Practice alone, or with your best girlfriend.  When you’ve mastered saying it with nothing more than a lascivious grin, try again.  Laughter is a sure-fire ticket to Flacid Penisville.

Do giggle seductively.  Big difference.  You can pair this with the daddy talk, pony tails, and knee-high socks.  They work well together.

Don’t rhyme.

No.  Really.  Don’t do it.  I can’t even bring myself to give an example.

Don’t use purple prose.  “You’re going to make my hidden flower bloom, my darling! Yes, cleave me fiercely with your manroot!”  This could be disconcerting if not downright sickening to your lover.  He’s not plowing the freakin’ fields here.  Okay, maybe in a metaphorical sense, but let that shit stay in the musty coffins of seventies romance novels.  Yeah, we all cut our teeth on them, but it doesn’t mean flouncey junk like that is sexy.

Do use real words.  Real dirty ones.  No penis or labia talk, either.  It’s cock and pussy, and he is going to make you come if he keeps doing that with his tongue.  Whoops, that rhymed.  “Fuck” is a good one–you can’t go wrong with the most vulgar expression your dirty little imagination can come up with.  Shoot for the stars.  Beg for a creampie!  By the way, I prefer come to cum, and if anyone has a problem with it, they can go blow.

Don’t ask your partner to do it if you aren’t willing to pony up some sordid sentences of your own.  For one thing, if you ask every time you have sex, your partner might be offended and think that you don’t find him/her sexy enough.  He/She will think you need the dirty talk just to get off.  Trust me, if you are constantly asking, but never reciprocating, it could become a bad thing.

Do talk dirty to try to get your partner to jump in.  You may find you actually enjoy it, and the person you’re with may not feel too self-conscious if you do it first.  In the end, you never know what some people are comfortable with, and what turns them on or off.  Experiment.  If it’s not working, try something new, or, as in the case of the guy who incessantly asked for dirty talk; break up with him.

Life’s too short to waste your time having selfless sex.

-Kimber


Sexy Songs to Get Busy (Writing) To

The other day on Facebook, my favorite local radio station posted a call for the hottest/sexiest rock songs.  By rock, I assume this is an all-encompassing bag that holds metal, alternative, Elvis, etc.  You dig?

I decided (after posting one song to the radio’s FB page) that I would compile my own blog list rather than bombard them with a ton of videos.  I am great at bombarding FB with videos, BTW.  I’m also great at bombarding blog readers with videos.  What can I say?  I love music and hot men, and when the two get together it’s sweet sensory ambrosia.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order, I give you a mosaic of sexy songs.

Glenn Danzig–the dirty, black re-incarnation of The King of Rock and Roll.  Honestly, nearly every Danzig song makes me want to get down, make love, umm, I mean sit down, make poetry.

I know.  Nickelback.  Back in the day they had some great songs, and then they went all commercial.  Someone on the FB list said “Something in Your Mouth,” which I abhor.  That is a cheesy BJ song, not like some of their older, better BJ songs.  I want to scream from the mountain tops, “What happened to old Nickelback, who scratched names in the sides of bullets and did a lot of nasty head-pushing?”  I liked those guys.  Of course, none of them are good-looking but I can look past that for a good voice and catchy tune.  Anyway, I was reminded of this raunchy-hot song that I’ve always enjoyed.  Don’t hate me for it.

Tool.  Honestly, I could get freaky to anything Maynard James breathes on, but “H” and “Stinkfist” were always my imaginary pole dancing songs (back when I used to imagine myself as a pole dancer).  Plus some sicko set this to “Eraserhead” so I couldn’t resist the bizarro connection.  Actually, all official Tool videos are bizarro anyway…

And my boy Ben.  Again, I could pick twenty Breaking Benjamin songs to get off some writing done to, but as I type and listen to this song, I’m having a hard time keeping my clothes on.  I chose well, me thinks.  Who waits forever, anyway?

Peter Steele, gone too soon, had the voice of a seductive devil.  These guys were phenomenal, and are still in my heavy Halloween rotation.  Plus, I challenge you to find me a sexier holiday than Halloween.  No, you can’t.

Couldn’t skip Def Leppard since any number of their songs can get me in the mood.  My husband has this knowledge and is kind enough not to abuse the power this eighties cheese holds over my flimsy chastity belt.  We even saw the old boys in concert last year for our anniversary [wink, wink].  And for the record, I started listening to them about 12 years ago.  I was too young to appreciate the Def when they were actually cool.  Just throwing my semi-youth out there.

Okay, I’ll stop now.  Feel free to insert your own sexy songs in my comment box [lascivious eyebrow wiggle].


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