Monthly Archives: June 2012

Doing Your Own Erotica Research or Which Way to the Experimental Sex Library?

Here I am researching for a certain sex scene I need to get cracking on.  I dig the idea, I’m just a little shy in the practical experience.  So, I do what anyone would do–I Google.  It’s not like I can go to the library and ask my friendly librarian for direction on a good book that answers the age-old question, “Would tequila on someone’s cock and balls hurt?”

So, Answers.com pops up with a promising lead (by promising I mean, it promises to be funny).

“Does rubbing boiling tequila on your penis make it grow?”  Some poor soul wants to know.

There is only one answer: “I haven’t tried this yet but maybe. The alcohol in the tequila might make blood flow faster and so give you a bigger erection. Try it”

Go ahead!  Try it!  Boil some tequila and pour it on your most sensitive body part!  You know, the one you need for both urination and procreation?  Just give it the old college try!

Sometimes that’s the only way to find the answers to the questions we seek.  Sometimes, Answers.com, Oh Wise Buddha of Endless Knowledge that it is–sometimes even it doesn’t have all the answers.

Now this blog post–http://justanotherboozeblog.blogspot.com/2009/07/5-worst-liquors-to-put-on-your-penis.html–superficially appeared to be what I was looking for.  It is a list of the top five worst liquors to put on your penis.  Good, right?  Tequila is number one.  Looks like I need a new idea.  Only problem is, the author does not seem to have actually tried it.  He’s surmising.  He jokes about dipping balls in a wide-mouthed glass, too, which isn’t precisely what I had in mind, but I must say, I like the way Snrub thinks.  Interestingly enough, he also says that it’s okay to drink it off of a woman’s body.

Hmmm.  I’m not writing it off just yet.  I’m also not writing it just yet.

Finally, I stumbled upon this very cringe-worthy compilation of the worst masturbation ideas ever.  I do so love the internet.  There are some damn creative (and stupid) people out there!  I made it about halfway through and had to take a break.  Too many ER visits for genitalia-related injuries were killing my sexy muse.  But, in case you are wondering: http://www.collegeslackers.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=11097

Read it and weep.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is, I’ll be setting up a laboratory in my basement for sexual experimentation.  I’ll require volunteers.  Perks include all the tequila you can drink off your own body and enough cat hair from my dungeon cat to knit an itchy white sweater-vest.

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Crazy-Awesome News!

I just found out that Cowboy Lust, the anthology from Cleis Press, edited by Delilah Devlin, and available right now for pre-order from Amazon, is going to be featured in Time Magazine’s Summer Reading Issue due out on July 9th.

From the Back Cover

Cari Quinn–Riding Double Cheyenne Blue–Under the Southern Cross Randi Alexander–Banging the Cowboy Cat Johnson–Ladies Love Country Boys Michael Bracken–Drought Charlene Teglia–Roped M. Marie–Rough Stock Sedona Fox–The Ranch Hand Lissa Matthews–Small Town Famous Tahira Iqbal–The Storm Nena Clements–Caught Unawares Kimber Vale–Some Like It Dirty Chaparrita–Raney’s Last Ride Delilah Devlin–Runaway Bride Anna Meadows–She Don’t Stay The Night
—————————————————————————————–

Needless to say, no matter how much my home-for-summer kids are driving me batty and making it damn-near impossible to get any work done, my day is solid sunshine and roses as of this moment.

Add to this stupefying news the fact that I am going to see Avenged Sevenfold in concert tomorrow night (read amazing band with the hottest guitar player ever and an overnight with hubby away from kiddos at a casino) AND the fact that I just got a fabulous new hat with feathers on the brim, and I think it’s safe to say that this day can officially go on record as one of my best-evers.

Perhaps a celebratory drink is in order.  🙂  And here I thought it couldn’t possibly get better!

P.S.  Sorry for all the bold type.  I was excited.


Who Here has Screwed the Pooch?

I’m wondering about weird phrases today.

It’s raining cats and dogs. Or maybe it’s colder than a witch’s titty. Oh, how the worm has turned, probably because it was a piece of cake.

What got me thinking of these dumb sayings, you ask? Well, for some reason, “screwed the pooch” came up in conversation and I got stuck analyzing it:

How is the term “screwed the pooch” at all socially acceptable?  Who started it and why didn’t the first person to use it get slammed by everyone within hearing distance?  It just doesn’t make sense. Why? For the love of Pete, WHY?!

As an author, I know that basically all publishers forbid animal love. While the erotica industry  is largely accepting of most forms of snoo-snoo, bestiality is pretty much a standard no-go everywhere you look. People getting kinky with pets? Hard stop. With good reason, I might add.

I do love to pet my pussy, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve never “screwed the pooch.”  I won’t even allow a dog to lick me, to be honest.  Grosses me out. I know damn well where that tongue’s been and I don’t want any part of it.

And they say the human mouth is the dirtiest.  My personal jury is still out on that. I’ll let you know the final verdict once the zombocalypse hits.

So, what other asinine phrases can you think of?  I revel in imagining “great balls of fire,” and “for the love of Pete,” especially since I know a very conservative Pete.  How about “holy shit?”  I can’t help but picture a priest in an outhouse for some reason.  These are all well-known, oft-used expressions.  But why?

What if we change it up the next time we’re in pleasant company?  Will the revised versions have the same effect?  Are my new phrases better or worse?

My best buddy just messed up royally, but I say, “Oh, man! You just made sweet love with a dog!”

“Huge flaming testicles!  That kid is driving me insane!”

“Oh, for the sake of being largely enamored with my husband’s unattractive coworker.”

“Well, priest in an outhouse, this is a garbage poker hand.”

Actually, I could get on board with the flaming testicles.  But really, where the hell do we come up with this excrement?  The English language is walnuts. Someone pass me the flippin’ raisins ’cause I’m gonna start mixing it up in everyday speech just to see if I can start some new idiotic idioms.


Where the Hell Have You Been?

I’d like to say that I was travelling, backpacking across Europe and didn’t have one of those plug converter thingies.  Or that I was abducted by aliens and just returned from the probing of a lifetime.  Or even that I was called to the bedside of a rich and ailing great-aunt to be told that if I nurse her for her last two weeks of life, I would receive her entire inheritance.  And now I’m rich and trying to drown the horror of the last fortnight in a vat of gin.

Alas, I’ve still only ever been to Germany and that was thirteen years ago, my ass feels just fine, and all of my middle-class relatives are alive and kicking.  Sadly, I also don’t have a “vat” of gin.

So, what the fuck have I been doing lately that I’ve shirked my blogging duties so tremendously?  Ehhhh…

Well, lets start with the writing.  I found out recently that my novelette-sized M/M erotica called ‘Bound by Ink’ was accepted by Storm Moon Press for their “Written in Flesh” anthology.  I am so stoked about this as it’s a double milestone for me.  It’s my first gay erotica that will be published and my first longer story that, after it spends a year wedged in what is sure to be a delightfully steamy book about tattooed men getting busy, it will be released solo as an e-book.  So, only my name on the cover.  Did you get that?  Only my name on the cover.  I actually just repeated that for myself because those words are almost better than sex.  Almost.  Yippee ki-yay motherfather.

I’ve also been working on a full length gay romantica novel.  Currently in the 26K department (with a 40k goal) and a little stalled because I forced myself to do my fourth read-through of my 40K hetero alien erotica and send to beta readers.  I’m sorta stuck on a name for this one, but we’ll call it “The Star Catcher” for now and maybe I’ll run some sort of naming poll or contest.  I love the name “Sextraterrestrial,” but don’t think I can be taken seriously with such a title.  Because, otherwise, I can be taken seriously, of course.

Gee, that contest thing is a swell idea, Beav!  I’d love to do some t-shirt giveaways.  If only I had some t-shirts.

What else?  Well, my horror persona has a recent anthology release and a blog tour (sometimes I feel like a cheating spouse, bouncing between blogs like a horny housewife when her husband’s away).  That little minx has another antho release set for mid June and a couple of deadlines to get some short stories finished and sent.  She is also working on a horror novel…very…very…slowly.  But, whenever she gets it all worked out and written, boy-ola is it gonna kick ass.  Maybe.  And no zombies, this time.

And finally, the kids are wrapping up school and there are final projects and performances and baking and meetings for Sunday School teachers and bible camp helpers (if this makes you laugh, go ahead and join me in the mirth.  I, too, can see the irony).

And I babysat Satan yesterday, but I’ll keep that story in my front pocket and smoke it when the urge strikes me.  Suffice it to say, everyone is alive and well and I plan to never again fall prey to that bit of neighborly niceness.  Asshat.


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