Monthly Archives: August 2011
Realized I should have said “Who is your favorite ‘Song of Ice and Fire’ character.” But then, I pretty much call all of the books ‘Game of Thrones’ and add first, second, third, etc. to the end to qualify. Trying to think if I do that with other series. Yup. Hunger Games are Hunger Games 1,2,3. Harry Potters I may specify more–my eight year old read them and had to log her reading and I was very tempted to just give them all a number instead of the full name, but I managed to force my lazy left hand to do the work. Anyway, in case there were any sticklers out there who were going to be all, “Brienne isn’t even introduced in the first book” we’ve already covered that.
You know that Buck Cherry song, right? The one that makes you cringe because their first hit was so smokin’-eighties-hair-band-hot that you figured they were good for more of the same? Well, they weren’t, apparently. And yet, I think of this sophomoric offering as I consider editing today. Too drunk to what???? Edit. No, never what they say in the song. I’m a chick, after all. The alcohol only makes it (me) easier, baby. Not getting off, necessarily, but drink enough and I just don’t care if it ‘happens.’ I’ll take care of that tomorrow in my free time.
The thing is that I like a little cocktail (juvenile snicker) while I’m writing. But it is such a fine line between writing and drinking, and editing and drinking that I frequently get off-balance. I can write just smurfy while drinking. I hate sitting down with a fresh one and realizing that my job today is to edit. I fuckin’ hate editing anyway. I need a computer program that takes all of my intoxicated butchering of the English language and crams it into a borderline insane yet genius-clairvoyant perfect package. I would pay quadruple the Scrivener price for that. Make me pretty on paper, Scrivener! Fix my typos while I type. Now that would be an invention.
Without the work.
While you’re at it, I want to push a format button on each submission site that will automatically make my piece exactly the way the editors want it, minus the 1-2 hours of my time. Just plug-in your name, story title, yada yada yada and the rest is done for you. Because (don’t tell anyone), I am not all that computer savvy and nearly everyone wants it at least a little bit different.
Shocking. I know. You all thought I was a tech nerd.
It takes me at least two tries to turn on my cell phone and realize it isn’t charged.
It’s out, baby! And it looks tremendous. I mean ginormous. Larger than freakin’ life. I’m talking, like, coffee table size. If not that, then “The Big Book of Bizarro” is at least something that every reader in the universe simply must have in their shitter. Flag this puppy, people. Fifty freaky shorts–one shit a piece. No more longingly trying to wash hands while you hold a book open with your toes to see what mischief Geroge R.R. Martin is coming up with next. You get in. You finish. You get on with your life. Until next time…unless that last short was just so damn good that you MUST read the next. In which case, flip the fart sucker back on (as my dad calls it) and get a little more ring-around-the-ass for the next fix. I’d pay dollars to donuts it’s totally worth sore cheeks.
You will be faking irritable bowel syndrome.
“The Big Book of Bizarro.” Look for it on Amazon and let the wonder begin…
So I was thinking of writing a short for a spanking anthology. Sure, I can do that. I can write a mean smut. I know this, because my best friend says so–it must be true. Therefore, I can handle this, right? I even have an awesome plot lined up.
Well, this it way harder than I thought. I’ve been researching, as with anything I write, and I just don’t feel the love. Sure, there are aspects of BDSM that appeal to me. I mean, every girl has that rape fantasy, right? Of course. Goes without saying.
And the, “On your knees, Bitch” thing that just makes chicks hot as hell…
Nipple clamps? Where do I sign up?
But the submissive, “Yes, Master. Sir. Your Royal Assholeness” what-have-you; that stuff makes me want to kill instead of fluff towels. I am much more likely to knock you down and step on your face than beg for mercy.
But would I want a man who would lay meekly over my knee, take an ass-beating and beg for mercy? Would anyone? So not stimulating at all…
So, I am having a deuce of a time deciding if I should even plow onward with this quicky. I like my premise, but I really wonder if I can do the spanking thing justice. You have to write what you know, right?
So my very helpful husband has agreed to spank me tonight. I’m sure he just figures he is gonna get a piece two nights in a row, but still–What a guy, right??!! I’m sure we will both be uncomfortable.
But for the muse, I offer up my ass to see if I can possibly craft a believable spank-tale. Wish me luck. I’m gonna need it.